Today was fantastic! Elder Peña and I went trail running out in the countryside up this small mountain. It was beautiful. A small dirt road slowly escalated into a thick fog. We ran into the clouds and through some farmland and ridges. It was so much fun. I am excited to continue to run trails and get more fit. I had an interesting discussion with my mom on Mother's day. We were discussing how strange it was to have such little time left on the mission. With love and foresight only a mother seems to have, she said, "I'm excited to have you home, but I'm more excited to see what the Lord will teach you over these last 88 days. This is such a special time in your life -- this is the last time you will be in this type of position. I can't wait to see what He will teach you." With those inspired words, I took a new look at these last 88 days. I no longer just had 88 days left, but instead saw 88 more days to learn. I feel utterly engaged. I am learning what (and what not) to worry myself over—and when and how much I should worry myself. I am learning to take on a large load; one I would never have been able to bear earlier in my mission, let alone at home. I am so excited to give my all. My person has changed. My disposition has shifted. It’s wonderful. I had a good talk with Elder Peña. We were doing a comp study activity and I said, "let's teach the Restoration in 10 seconds." We started at a minute, and at first he was just talking really fast. I said, "the catch is, you can't talk fast." He said, "that's dumb." We continued. Later, it clicked...he didn't think it was dumb, he is just sick of my ideas. He is soft-spoken and prone to follow. I asked what I could do better. I waited. He said "I don't have anything." I kept at it, and he said, "if we could switch off more in lessons, it would help a lot. Preach My Gospel tells us to take turns and says it will be more interesting." In my high school Socratic seminars, we would be graded by others watching us on a few categories. I scored a 5/5 on dominance. At the time, that made me happy -- that is, until someone pointed out how that was a section that was about "things to work on." Listen more than you speak. Listen. We spent the day visiting members of the local church. We hardly had a spare moment. We taught and laughed and got out in decent time. I am so much more time-conscious then I used to be. In one lesson, I was asked to say the closing prayer. I asked if there was anything I could pray for. The wife asked me to pray for her husband. I did, and interesting words came to me. I prayed that he'd know when to rest and when to let things be. She raised her head and had tears in her eyes. She said, "in 10 years of having missionaries to this house, I've never had a missionary ask me what they could pray for; that was exactly what we needed to hear." We had some open time and went and visited a person we were teaching. He was a little bit of a drive away, and when we arrived, he wasn't home. I remembered President's counsel that, though someone may not be home, the Lord could use them as a method to place you where you need to be. Earlier, I had looked at this section of our area on our map while texting people and noted to myself a few households without phone numbers. We drove up and parked at the first house. An old Mexican lady was sitting in a yard chair looking out over the road. We walked up and said hello. We asked her how she was. Turns out, she was formerly taught by other missionaries and said she enjoyed it. I asked her how she was doing. She replied, "well, my daughter died on Wednesday. It's been different." I felt for her. A small discussion began about her daughter's death, but I remembered something my mom shared with me from an NPR podcast when I was 12 or so. The advice was this: don't ask how they died, ask what they were like. I asked, "what was your daughter like?" A smile protruded from underneath her fabricated solemnity. She teared up as she told us she was always a happy-go-lucky girl. She was only 41. I told her, "I know you will enjoy her happy-go-lucky personality again. You will see her again." She held back more tears. All the little things—using time wisely to look at the map, hearing the still, small voice by not listening to music, listening and retaining President's counsel—led to the ability to invite one soul to the greater happiness that rests in Christ. It's a wonderful thing. I went on an exchange earlier this week. On many exchanges, I have felt a pressure to correct and teach. But I've learned that is not my job. My job is to love, share, and invite. Instead, I listened. As we were driving, we were talking and, as I felt appropriate, I asked, "do you believe the church is true?" He replied, "if it is any Christian sect, it's this one." He went on and told me about his anxiety on the mission, his deep distaste for the culture, the overwhelming feeling of widespread pressure to produce, and many other things. I thought about his insights, agreed to some points, and added that I believed that was the case because there is always opposition to God's ways. He stayed quiet. I asked, "how do you feel about that?" He said, "I've never had someone internalize what I've said before. They typically just yell at me." I really loved his mind. He told me he has never, within memory, felt the spirit, but thinks the doctrine holds up. He knows the promises come to pass. When he was in the temple, he told me he really just wanted to leave, but everyone and their neighbor's dog was there, so he felt he couldn’t. "If I felt so much pressure," he confessed, "are those promises really valid?" He said it seems the church is all about manipulating agency to the 99.9th%. That's a struggle I have faced. I have felt ostracized because of my thinking and often felt lonely because of my mind. I have felt unhealthy anxiety. I have had similar questions. These have rocked me. However, I've also felt the spirit. I've come to know God. God has enabled my trials to become my strengths. What I once viewed as weakness, I am again seeing can be made strong. He is my rock and my Salvation; my steadiness now, and my everlasting joy later. Over dinner, I spent a long time looking at his Hot Wheel collection. There was so much more depth to it than I ever thought. They were models of racing car history for storied car companies he knew and loved. He told stories about each of the designs and we talked about our love for beautifully designed cars. I listened to him geek out about high performing racing companies and F-1. I really came to appreciate him. At the end of the day, I asked him how he liked the exchange. His deep, often monotone voice, lifted and said, "I actually really enjoyed today, which breaks the mold of most Zone Leader exchanges. You didn't come in here and try to pretend to grind ridiculously hard or fake anything or tell me your way of missionary work is right. You were genuine; I could tell you really care." He went on and said, "thanks for letting me talk about cars. One of the ways I judge a person's character is by how fast they cut me off when I talk about cars." 2 years ago—two—I went to the doctor's to get my mission medical appointments figured out. When I saw a memory from two years ago on Google photos, I was shook. Now I have more t-shirts packed than I have P-days left in the mission. Still...I can't wait to change. I am eager to change my unwillingness to change. It is a process. From day one, you think what it would be like to give your homecoming talk. You just see so much change and want to share it with those you love. Today, I had to be in an apartment with an Elder for a few hours as he recovered from his second COVID vaccination. I sat and grinded for two hours texting and calling members. I was so focused. I genuinely love this work. My disposition is to work hard and to be focused; I've changed a lot. Elder Bednar teaches that there is no such thing as perfect balance in this life. He compares it to an acrobat spinning plates. As one plate slows, they tend to that plate. Then, they find the next plate is slowing. He teaches that where we are, we must be. Don't worry about what you are not doing, but tend to what you are doing, and prioritize that which is most important. My dad taught me that God, family, career, and church were the order in which a person should organize their life. With all my responsibilities over the Zone, three wards, and tending to myself, I have learned to be ever-present, as I AM can mean, and to relax and be happy. How joyful it is to learn this lesson, one I would otherwise have never known. It will carry with me and enable me through the rest of my life.
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